Written Through These Amber Eyes

I remember the weight of it all. How frozen I felt, how difficult it was to breathe in as if I- 

It happened in the fall; the leaves were changing colors. People yearn for companionship in their cozy spaces. They long to be wrapped in the arms of even past lovers as the winter blues bring forth memories of what once was. As I watch the leaves fall to the ground, I notice how the words from conversations dwindle down. I don’t allow myself to lose sight of what could be, which keeps me moving forward until, suddenly, my path crosses a lake that has frozen over. I wonder, as a West Coast kid, what it would be like to skate across frozen ponds and lakes in the winter. I let my adolescence embrace joy these days. I step onto the ice, and it feels secure. I continue walking, and now I am halfway across. I hear what sounds like squirrels wrestling in the tree branches. I look around, but there’s nothing nearby. I take this last step. 

I remember it all- the heaviness as the words came out of their mouths, with no idea of where my heart stood. How frozen I felt as I couldn’t speak; I couldn’t breathe. The embarrassment of my tears eroding from my eyes made it seem as if someone had died. 

I’m reaching up now, kicking my feet; my mind is telling me this is it. My mind is telling me this is just an ice bath, grappling with the idea that there’s nothing else left. I reach for the ice; it’s breaking more and more in my hands as I try to pull myself out. I’m now sliding my whole body back to the edge where I left my belongings. I’m shaken up, entirely weak; I’m asking why. I don’t know when my teeth will stop chattering long enough to let me speak. Are things better left unsaid if I’m crashing through the ice, risking hyperthermia, knowing there’s nothing or no one to grab hold of?